Road Trip = Brain Cleaning
My thoughts
tumble out
a c r o s s t h e p l a i n s
They ramble, c a r
roll aimlessly, t
picking up detritus, w
shedding bits. l h
No boundaries. e e
The plains are vast, tch.
Plenty of room e
for thoughts to meander, r str
Most never return: o
blown on to Nebraska. a m,
Gone for good.
Like the nomad tumbleweeds.
A few, (the loyal ones?)
Return quietly at dusk
and slip back into my mind.
Exhausted from a rambunctious playtime
they tuck themselves in,
sorted into orderly stacks
like children tucked between crisp sheets.
like children tucked between crisp sheets.
Now sorted, they make sense.
I would love feedback--on everything, but especially on the last line. What else could I write that conveys that the thoughts and ideas have fallen into place during the road trip?
ReplyDeleteThanks!
I really like how you meshed a road trip with sorting out your thoughts and making sense of everything. I think everyone has their own way of sorting things out. I especially like your line "picking up dendrites, shedding bits" I like how you brought some of the science into it. I also appreciate how some of your words take on the shape of an action. I was explaining this to my students the other day, about how poetry can take on different shapes, forms, structures, layouts, etc. I was a little confused about where "cartwheel" was supposed to fit in the lines of your poem. Honestly, the end of your piece sounds nice. Maybe you could try something like "They cascade like rain to settle right where they belong in perfectly formed pools in my mind." or "they are filed and sorted into neat stacks ready for future reference" if you want to change it. Just trying to throw out suggestions :)
ReplyDeleteBlakelee, THANK YOU! I love both your suggestions for ending the poem.
ReplyDeleteAbout the cartwheel, I'm not sure where that belongs either. I think it's better after the word "ramble." I'll reformat it so that it begins there. Thank you for your helpful feedback.
Blakelee, THANK YOU! I love both your suggestions for ending the poem.
ReplyDeleteAbout the cartwheel, I'm not sure where that belongs either. I think it's better after the word "ramble." I'll reformat it so that it begins there. Thank you for your helpful feedback.
Betsy,
ReplyDeleteI think this is a great poem about how a roadtrip helped you to feel "centered" or "grounded." I like the way you experimented with your shaped words as well. Blakelee's suggestion about your ending sounds great as well, but I also love the ending just the way it is. It is simple. Sort of mimicking the way you feel when life is "back in it's place" and you are centered again. I was also a bit confused about the cartwheel thing, but it does look cool! :) I love the line "the plains are vast, plenty of room for thoughts to meander" because I could picture this in my mind, but I could also relate to this because I feel the same way when I am on a road trip. Another thing that I thought was great is how you described certain thoughts, the ones that come back to us as "loyal." I have never thought of thoughts in this way before. Thanks for sharing such a unique piece!
Hey Betsy!
ReplyDeleteSorry for the late comment. It's been a crazy week. This is pretty creative! I love how you made word structures on the side. They stretched my brain a little bit, it was refreshing to see writing not in its structured format but in a cartwheel or stretched out!
I can't tell you how many times this has happened to me on a road trip. Our minds wander so much when we drive alone. For the last line, I thought it conveyed what you were trying to say. Maybe say exhausted from their journey? Just a thought, I think it's great though. Thanks for sharing!
Cody
I loved reading this, and I loved the way you stretched out the words visually! Great work!
ReplyDeleteYour play on this poem's text structure looks so pretty.
ReplyDeleteI absolutely love this, Betsy! I love that you are able to play with structure in a meaningful way that genuinely reflects the content of the piece. And your word choice! Man, this is just such an awesome poem! Thank you for sharing!
ReplyDelete