Mother to Daughter
You
are I…
and he.
But mostly
Me.
I have so many dreams
For you:
For who
you’ll be,
Canyons you'll cross,
Places you’ll
see.
You are the
me
I yearned to
be,
But couldn’t.
Different times...
Different times...
Once bolted
shut,
doors splintered
as women powered
through.
Doctor,
Justice, Governor, President, Chair,
PhD, CEO, MD,
DDS, DVM, & MOM
They’re all
Available to you.
Available to you.
You are the
me
I wanted to
be,
But couldn’t,
Didn’t dare.
Take that.
And sprint through
those open doors
into your
future.
For both of us.
--Betsy L.
Betsy,
ReplyDeleteI love the rhythm and flow to this poem. I don't think any part of it is Dr. Seussy. It has a subtlety of rhyme, but in a way that sounds beautiful. I love the message that is being conveyed in this poem. I agree that the bolting through the door part feels a little off from the rest of the poem. I think the problem with that stanza might be that it breaks from the rhythm and rhyme that you have happening in the rest of the poem. Perhaps try and change up the some of the words, so that it has the same cadence? Another suggestion would be regarding the first stance. I love the way it sounds, but I had a hard time deciphering what it means. Are you saying the the mother and daughter are the same or are you trying to say that the daughter is apart of the mother and the father, but more the mother? Maybe change the "I" to "We"? Overall, I love this poem and the way it sounds as you read it. I think you have a future in some poetry.
Betsy,
ReplyDeleteThis brought tears to my eyes! I really hope you will give this poem to your daughter! I didn't think it sounded Dr. Suessy either. I agree with Blaklee that the bolted door part seems to contradict the rest of the poem. One way you might be able to word it to make a little more sense would be to say "Women muscled through doors once bolted shut" I think the first stanza is great. I had to read it twice to "get it" but that is the part that I kind of liked. It isn't obvious at first and makes the reader think. Thanks for sharing with us!
Betsy,
ReplyDeleteThis brought tears to my eyes! I really hope you will give this poem to your daughter! I didn't think it sounded Dr. Suessy either. I agree with Blaklee that the bolted door part seems to contradict the rest of the poem. One way you might be able to word it to make a little more sense would be to say "Women muscled through doors once bolted shut" I think the first stanza is great. I had to read it twice to "get it" but that is the part that I kind of liked. It isn't obvious at first and makes the reader think. Thanks for sharing with us!
Hey Betsy!
ReplyDeleteThis is some pretty talented material! I can tell how proud you are of your daughter and I love the part, "You are the me I yearned to be." I do not have children at the moment, but I'm sure once I do I will have the same hopes and dreams for them to achieve great things! Even though you point out the flow on the part about "bolted doors" I still really enjoy the female perspective on how all of those professions and accomplishments are attainable. Maybe it would help to just make that stanza a little less wordy. Move around some words or take them out may help in the flow of that stanza. Other than that I enjoy the flow of the poem as it speaks from a place of love. Thanks for sharing!
Cody
Oh Betsy, I love this! This one teared me up. I can feel how much you love your daughter through every single word. I can relate to each stanza, in wanting my daughter to become more than I ever could. Amazing!
ReplyDeleteAs a mom of girls, I can feel the power behind this one. I wrote a similar poem to my daughter and bawled the whole time! These feelings are some of the strongest anyone can have...a mother to her daughter!
ReplyDelete